What is love?

I just got my Catherine Ponder newsletter, Keys to Prosperity, in the mail today and it opened with this quote:

“God measures souls by their capacity for entertaining His best angel, love.”

Interesting, especially since this morning’s angel card for me was Chantall, whose meaning is “New romance is imminent – either with a newcomer, or through reignited passion in your existing relationship. Be open to giving and receiving love.”

Also interesting since now that I’m officially a free woman … my divorce was final on Jan. 3 … I’m starting to date again. I’ve already met a couple of great guys and there are other potentials floating around, too.

Even more interesting as a guy I used to have a crush on showed up at a meeting I had this morning.

But more interesting because of how I’ve always had issues around love, and not the type you would think. As Inigo Montoya (from The Princess Bride) would say: “Let me ‘splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.”

I’ve always had a great capacity to love. In fact, I used to have a button that said, “I love everyone and you’re next.” I liked that button because it really summed up how I felt.

My default with new people in my life is to love them … and think better of it later if they turn out to be a bad match. And I mean that on a friendship level. I don’t care about how a person is wrapped up in gender, color, religion, orientation, whatever … what I care about is the energetic connection between us. Will we get along? Will we enjoy each other’s company?

That said, I’ve learned that I’m somewhat of an oddity there. A lot of people interpreted that button as referring to romantic or sexual love.

Love, in general, is an intense feeling of deep affection. You feel love for friends. You feel love for family. You feel love for pets. You feel love for a stunning view of the ocean. You feel love for your favorite foods. The list can go on. But all those “loves” are different. They are not the same. They are unique and special and wonderful and individual.
 

 
When I say, “I love you,” to someone, what am I really saying? Am I saying I care about you as I would a family member? Am I saying I enjoy spending time with you in and out of bed? Possibly. It depends on the context.

So herein lies the rub: I am constantly misunderstood because of my capacity to love … especially by heterosexual men. I don’t have to say the words, all I have to do is be my normal, polite, nurturing self and 8 times out of 10, the guy will think I like him more than I do. And he’ll react to that in one of two ways: pull away or move closer. (And yes, I’ve had guys run screaming at the thought of me being attracted to them … thankfully that hasn’t happened in decades!)

Where this becomes a problem for me is that I’m usually not looking for either of those reactions. Guys I like as friends think I like them more than that. And yet, guys I’d like to explore moving beyond friendship seem to be clueless. (Or, they think I want some sort of lasting commitment right away … don’t know where that’s coming from!) What’s up with that?

I like to relate to men as humans first. This includes potential romantic partners. I want to know you as a person. As an sentient being. As an individual. I want to know there is a connection beyond the physical. Is that so much to ask?

For some, apparently.

I know this post is kind of rambling … but I’m just pouring this forth because I’m frustrated with my relationships with men … romantic and otherwise.

For example, let’s say there’s this guy whose company I really enjoy but who I’m not really feeling romantic toward. I’m open to that happening sometime down the line, but I’m not feeling it now. When we talk he often takes my words and says them back to me in a puppy-doggish way that makes me feel that he likes me more than I like him. What do I do? Nothing has been said, but how do I retain his friendship without hurting his feelings?

Another example: let’s say there’s this other guy who I’m obviously physically attracted to. But, being who I am, I want to get to know him outside of that physicality to see if I might like him in other ways, too. Emphasis on the might … I dont’ know him well enough to know anything further yet. How do I communicate this without appearing to be clingy or needy or liking him more than I do?

How do I get myself into these conundrums anyway?

Don’t get me wrong … I am profoundly grateful for the male attention I’m getting (yet another guy on the street seemed overjoyed that I said “hi” as we passed today), but how do I communicate with honesty and integrity what I really want? I’m not asking for commitment here … just time to get to know them better. To explore what feelings I might have or develop. Keep it open to possibilities.

Getting back to the quote. I feel that I entertain God’s best angel quite a lot. But I can also see why that angel was seen my the ancients as both friend and trickster … and why some languages have more than one word for the concept. I wish English did.